At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?