[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Science memes
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me: