“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
And now we wait
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.