Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
You Might Also Like
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Them: You should try keto
Me:
what does he know…
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I feel seen.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.