If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”