Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.