my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.