Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
idk what he going thru but i feel him
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.