If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Teach your children to beatbox
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.