nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.