My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
You Might Also Like
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Pigeon open mic night.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs