Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
ok like just. call me at this point
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.