Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I have never related to anyone more.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”