What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa