We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
You Might Also Like
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Has science gone too far?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.