The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Merica.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.