Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Ain’t no way
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.