Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
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I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Print is alive and well!!!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time