If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”