Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
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john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.