I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.