I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
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(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
How it started How it’s going
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Chicken bread
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
This is me 🤣🤣