It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.