I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
some things should go without saying
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom