HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
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when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Hot Hot Hot
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
The biggest mystery of our time
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.