me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!