Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The biggest mystery of our time
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch