Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.