my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I am HOWLING at this
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
As the Lord intended