I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable