8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.