If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
After 35, your body ages in dog years