ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I’m sure it’s fine.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’