I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Have kids, they said
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened