One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Lucky old June.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now