Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
a fate I wish upon no one
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
How dude HOW?!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler