Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.