Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk