I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane