This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
crying
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit