eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.