People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.