Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
A sick whale is called an unwhale