You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)