I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
cause of death:
autopsy.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
SCARY COSTUME
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion