Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏