ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.