[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
#SuperBowl
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck