JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
You Might Also Like
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian