I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Breaking news:
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
my nickname in college
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start